Toxic Relationships and Forgiveness

While being chased by a rabid dog, at what point do you stop running and face the dog?

I'm not sure who said that. I do know that is was at one of the Pepperdine lectureships (it's also a paraphrase of what was said) and it was in reference to running away from sin. It's always stuck with me and has created a great visual. Here you are running away from something that causes you to sin and you decided that you can face that sin. What you are really doing is allowing temptation to creep in. I think we all know what happens when we give in to temptation. So rather than facing the sin, keep running away from it.

There are also other topics and situations this little saying can relate to.

While having a discussion about forgiveness the other day, the conversation I was involved in turned to toxic relationships and getting out of them.

Forgiveness is a great thing. You can research for years on the subject. You have the forgiver, the forgiven, the need for forgiveness, the weight lifted from forgiving, the clear conscious of admitting you need to be forgiven; the list goes on and on.

While some people won't ask for forgiveness we know that it is important that we still forgive those who have sinned against us. Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Matthew 18:21,22

One issue that is hard to deal with and grasp is forgiving and moving on. I'm not talking about moving on as in forgetting what they did, that is impossible and we all deal with the memories. Only God is able and has authority to wipe the slate clean. What I am referring to is eliminating the toxic people from your life after you have forgiven them.

In the relationship of marriage, you will find abusive spouses, be it physical or emotional. The typical stories you hear in these situations is that of forgiving and jumping back into the ring. While we hope that after forgiveness there is smooth sailing, more often than not the abusive cycle begins again.

That is probably the most common example of a toxic relationship and I could show others examples if needed dealing with friends, employers, children and parents. But the point is that people fail to realize that forgiveness does not mean you need to stick around for more abuse. If the situation is taking away your power, the person is manipulating you or controlling you, it's time to get out of that situation. Nobody deserves that kind of power as it is reserved only for God. No person is worth your soul if they cause you to lose your peace, your walk with God, lead you to sin, take away your joy or your mind ultimately causing you to stumble and fall.

Before you cut ties with anyone make your feelings known to them. Explain that you are not going to allow them to become a stumbling block in your life and that you have forgiven them for any wrongs they have done to you. You may have a pleasant time moving forward with them. 

If however, they do not welcome your attempt to make peace, or if the situation is not going to be healthy for you, do as Jesus says in Luke 9 when he was instructing the apostles to go out and proclaim the kingdom of God. If people do not welcome you, leave their town and shake the dust off your feet as a testimony against them. Jesus explains that we need to cut all ties with people who won't listen and go so far as to not even have any dust on your feet from your encounter. Limited contact does not work with toxic people

Looking at another verse from the old testament, Abram and Lot Separate. Genesis 13:8,9 So Abram said to Lot, “Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herders and mine, for we are close relatives. Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company. If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right; if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left.”

Don't worry if that seems harsh. Many people will counter with out of context scripture or even try to say (like a previous weekly message) "That's not very Christian of you". Remember that Jesus said Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth? I did not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. Matthew 10:34-39

Remember: If you are being chased by a rabid dog, if you are being hunted down by sin, if there is a toxic person in your life, don't stop and face it. Keep running.